Jamaican Cat

I had been in the beautiful island of Jamaica for two nights. I went on a work trip and we changed hotels every couple of nights. It was mid morning and we had just arrived in a new hotel. I was told to leave my bags in reception for the porter, but being the not trusting person that I am, I decided to have a drink in the bar that overlooked reception and the beach so I could keep an eye on my bag.

After being laughed at by the bartender for asking for coolade in a five star restaurant, I sipped my Appleton slowly, enjoying the vitamin D absorption process. Out of the corner of my eye, I spy a cat sat comfortably in front of my suitcase. I did not want cat fur on my case so I walked over to the cat and politely asked it to move. “Can you move from in front of my suitcase please” I say. The cat looks at me and sucks it’s teeth (basically gives me attitude) and turns its head in the other direction. Oh no you didn’t. Now people are looking at me so I have to walk away leaving the cat in the same position.

Cat – 1, Me – 0

Later on that evening, I am walking towards my room with one of the hotel staff. The cat bops past me like HEYYY. I point at it and say “it’s that cat” but it carries on walking. I take a pebble and throw it to get it’s attention but I can’t throw well so the cat has to dodge the pebble which it does in true matrix fashion. It literally moved like Neo – no word of a lie! Then it ran off.

Cat – 2, Me – 0

I go to my room and get in my bed. After a minute or so I hear the sounds of a cockroach. That scuttle scuttle sound. I am scared so I decide I am going to run out of my room and knock on someone’s door to come and get rid of the cockroach. When I open my door I see…THE CAT…….

The Cat!!!

Cat – 3, Me – 0

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Burnt pizza and six firemen

I used to manage a high street retail shop. One day while in the shop, I put a piece of pizza in the microwave to warm up for lunch. Now, when I put things in the microwave I normally just turn the dial without looking at the timer and just open the microwave door when I am ready. For some reason I can not let it go until the ping noise; I have to stop it prematurely. Anyhoo, I heard the girls in my office talking and I joined the conversation. Minutes…many minutes later… I hear PING. I scream because I completely forgot about my pizza and I knew I had turned the dial on the timer WAY too much.

I run into the staff room shouting “my pizza” and open the microwave door. Big puffs of yellow smoke jump in my face and open mouth (due to the screaming). I start coughing and the yellow smoke envelops the room. The girls run in after me and are like what the…. They open the back door to let the smoke out. Then start laughing at what I had done (heated up a piece of pizza on a bit of kitchen towel for 10-15mins). I was traumatised. The colour of that smoke. The size of my piece of pizza was now being compared to those green triangle chocolates you get out of a quality street tin. My slice of pizza was now a slice a black.

We all go out on the shop floor as it got busy with customers. After about ten minutes we hear sirens, which was not unusual for the town we worked in, so we briefly joked that it was for me and my burnt pizza. Next thing I know someone comes into the shop saying that the shop next door called the fire brigade as their fire alarm went off. As they did not know where the smoke was coming from, two fire engines and a police car were sent to the scene! I was so embarrassed and did not want to waste anyone’s time. I ran out and tried to stop the firemen from coming out to investigate. I was like “no, no, it was just my pizza!” However the firemen, ALL of them, say they have to come into the shop to look.

I was so embarrased. My staff already knew I could be dumb but all of my customers and people on the high street? And just to add fuel to the fire (excuse the pun) one of the firemen walks out the shop saying ” yeah my girlfriend can’t cook either”.